Ah, it's okay. It's weird to be home--it's like I never left.
:[
After tomorrow, no more of this.
Who would you like to kiss under the mistletoe?
Submitted by EmmyAngua.
BUNNY.
BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY.
...
BUNNY.
My housemate Valerie got our homestay family a bunny. A very very cute bunny. A very very cute baby bunny. Oh my god. Bunny. So tiny. It shakes a lot, but doesn't really do much when you pet it, except let you.
Okay, maybe I wouldn't kiss a bunny, but you can't be unhappy with a bunny around, nosiree.
Val and I went to Belgium on Saturday for the...whole day. Got to Brussels at 8:15 AM, got to Bruges sometime after 10 AM because we got lost and didn't take the right train, got back to Brussels around 6, went back to Paris at 8:45. Brussels had some mad Christmas festivity-ness going on. It felt kind of like Disneyland. I mean, they were playing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and looked like they were beaming down aliens, okay?
I guess Belgium wasn't as magical as we heard it would be because of crap weather and not knowing what we were doing. When we got back to Brussels that night we seriously walked out of the train station and said, "Okay, now what?" as we were completely map-less. Thank god there was that mega light party thing going on; we just walked towards the beam in the sky. The main square reminded me of Saint Michel, but...not.
If I ever go back to Belgium, I think it should be because I know someone who lives there. And I'd like to see Brussels when the sun is actually up.
God I'm tired. Sleepy time.
Do you have a nervous habit?
Submitted by Herding Cats.
Biting my nails, chewing my fingers, picking my skin off many times to the point of blood vessel violation, basically anything that results in the destruction of my hands. I have no idea why. (Actually, I rarely bite my nails because I cut them so often to the point that they're lil' nubbins. I hate dirty nails and any longer than 1mm is too long.)
I wanted to bitch in my livejournal about something, but decided I'd rather post it here where a different set of people will read it.
...But then I realized I don't have the right to bitch about anything.
So I will ask a question: when did you stop thinking that you had done nothing useful in your life? Which I guess translates into, when did you do something useful? Truly useful? When did you stop thinking you were useless?
...That might just be me. I think about this almost every day. Maybe.
I posted a similar question in my LJ: How old were you when you figured out your life had a purpose? A difficult question, I know--I go straight for the gold. I got some good answers, particularly Pete's: "i was 6 when i realized this body was built for dance." And I got a bunch of answers that I didn't know how to reply to. So I didn't.
I don't know why I'm obsessed with the idea of having a purpose or to do something meaningful, although not to the point where I actually do something. Tonight I was thinking about how I hadn't created anything beautiful. If I asked my friends whether I had ever made anything beautiful, they would say yes, you did blah blah blah, remember that?, but I don't think that I have done anything beautiful.
My homestay mum thinks her kids (biological and step) should pay most of their ways through college, which I suppose means have a good grasp of what they want to get out of it. Or something. Which makes me feel horrible because I'm possibly the antithesis of how she thinks one should get an education. Or. I don't know. I'm here. I don't deserve it. I don't know if I should feel bad that I didn't have to pay for my tuition for four years of education that I didn't particularlty look forward to. But I only have one semester left, so what can you do?
Why do I feel guilty about living? I've obsessed over this idea since high school. I don't even know where it came from. It seems like something that could come from a traumatized childhood, but my parents never piled guilt on me. I mean, not...horribly so. No one puts me down, aside from those times that my mum said I was fat. I have somehow become so sensitive to everything that I will predict criticism before it happens, meaning that it's nonexistent, meaning that I make up stuff and feel bad when there is probably nothing to feel bad about.
It's easier to be pessimistic.
---
I'm tired. After taking a day trip to Belgium (Bruges and Brussels) with Valerie, I'm quite sure that the only truly fun way to travel is to have a local guide. And then we wouldn't have gotten mildly lost trying to get from Brussels to Bruges at 9 AM in shitty weather.
It was fun. But let's not recreate the experience. Ever. Again.
---
I have no idea why I wrote this post. I complained despite already stating that I didn't deserve to. I never actually say the things that are foremost on my mind, which today were mainly about people I miss, people I am excited to see and people I am not so sure I want to see but might have to in the near future.
Sometimes I just want to gouge my brainmeats out.
Where do you do your online shopping?
...Besides amazon.com? Uh.
I made a playlist of songs I liked that came out in 2006 and sadly didn't get very far. I guess I was too lazy to listen to much new music this year. 2005 was much more successful for some reason. Asobi Seksu's album kind of surprised me since I wasn't into their previous release, but...mmm...
...
I don't know. I ask for too much.
...
Valerie said she would go to Disneyland with me. Alright. But then she told me that she's not interested in going on rides; she just wants to look at the lights and maybe take that train ride around the park. Loverly! If I knew that she wasn't going to go on any rides, I could've just gone by myself yesterday! After I told her that I didn't think going to Disneyland would be worth the money if it was just for the sake of look at the prettiness (31 euro ticket + 12 euros for the metro if you don't feel like hopping over the gate), she started to doubt that she could go. OH MY GOD, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS SOONER, NOT ONE WEEK BEFORE I'M LEAVING PARIS?!?!?!
...And now I'm not sure if I want to go. I mean, I do. I wanted to get a nice gift for my mum as well. But...[rolls eyes]. Do I have to apologize for my uncultured Disney-loving self? Yes, I enjoy the rides, so sue me. The most fun I ever had at a Disney theme park was in 9th grade during a school band trip to Florida. Aside from the actual "performing as a band" part, it was way too much fun to roam the park with friends.
On that note, I'm going to Belgium with Valerie tomorrow. Our train is at 6:55 AM. Yes, I should be sleeping now.
---
I got an email from UNICEF with the subject, "Are the world's children on your holiday list?" And I felt guilty because they're not.
[sigh]
What are the things in life that you're truly passionate about?
Submitted by Jess.
.
..
...
....
.....I don't know.
"Not dying yet."
so tired.
so very tired.
so...s...fufuhf...
[headflump]
It's all good. I'm tired and am having trouble concentrating on happy thoughts. But they're there. Deep. Inside. Sizzling brain meats.
A part of me doesn't think going to London this weekend was the best idea ever, but it's too late. I will just have a shitload of things to do when I get back on Sunday. Thankfully, I'll be coming back in the early afternoon.
Reason #52 why I never go to sleep: email. Email. Neverending. Piles. Old. New. Constant rebirth. Of electronic mails. And yet sometimes I get no mail at all.
...whatever.
Here's some Peter Bjorn & John for you. I'm seeing them ...tonight! Whoa. Weird. And awesome. I will take my baby camera with me.
...until I leave Paris.
Scary. I was scared to come here, but now I'm scared to go home. I haven't done everything I wanted to yet. I won't be able to go to all the places I meant to. I didn't work hard enough. Or I worked too much. My homestay mum noticed that I never skip class...am I supposed to?
Unluckily for me I'm missing three periods of my computer programming class next Friday to go to London. I thought I would only miss two periods until my professor scheduled another make-up period (after I had bought my tickets) Friday evening. That's probably the class where attendance is most crucial. [sigh] Bad timing. But London isn't going to wait.
Actually, I haven't mailed anything since I've been here. No letters, no packages, not even a lowly postcard, which is the least I could do. I'm just naturally inconsiderate.
Of course, it's best when both things are combined. And it is possible to meet cool people if you just travel around wherever by yourself. But...I'm not the kind of person who attracts cool people. I'm the kind of person that everyone stares past, and vice versa. [shrugs] You get used to it. I live by the concept of "learned helplessness".
For some reason I am semi-obsessed with "Lost" by The Mary Onettes. Unfortunately their only release is a one 4-song ep. Mm. Maybe I'll buy it.
so tired. so very tired. this is what I get for not being a coffee addict.
Lunch = poulet curry sammich. Damn Julien. Valerie got me hooked on their sammiches. The bread is jaw-achingly chewy, but so damn good, especially for 3.60 euros. I'm going to miss it when I go home.
So the song I uploaded is from Our Worn Shadows, and I like it. A DVD of a live performance comes with the CD and...I guess whether you like it or not depends on personal preference. I liked it. Just the one dude, Chris Cole, surrounded by his instruments and playing each one in succession as he plays one, records a little loop, and builds on top of it...over and over again. That's the kind of thing I'd like to do if I had any idea how to use music recording equpiment. Which I don't.
---
It's not good for my heart rate for friends that I haven't chatted with in a long time and am not completely "okay" with to message me out of the blue and be like "HEY ROBYN WHAT'S UP" (not the exact words) and then possibly get disconnected from their Internet meaning that they just spooked me and I will wonder what it is they wanted to say and why and boop.
I have to stop caring.
If you came with a warning label, what would it say?
Submitted by chris.
"WARNING: 50% FAT CONTENT"
My "ladeeda" attitude was disrupted sometime after 1 AM when I finally received an email from my advisor about how to waive NYU's writing requirement. I was told that I wouldn't have to take a certain writing class when I transferred to NYU as a sophomore. I'm a senior now and only have one more full semester to complete. Of course, this is when I find out that there's a form I have to fill out to include with multiple writing samples, preferably graded (I doubt I have those) or with a transcript/syllabus. The form says it takes them 2-3 weeks to make a decision.
READ FASTER, GOD DAMMIT.
Of course, if I knew about this EARLIER the 2-3 week thing wouldn't be a big deal. Now I have to slog though my external hard drive and pray to god I have appropriate essays in there (5-7 pages, research, good citations, hopefully doesn't suck).
I wonder if I can just assume that they'll waive my requirement so that I don't have to take a writing course next semester. I really don't want to. And I don't think I should have to. Not that I think I'm awesome, but I know I can at least write better than other people in my class. It's all relative. Yes. Right. O. Kay.
[shakes head]
It's times like this that I really appreviate Vassar for their lack of requirements, all of which I finished in my first year. One intense writing course, one language, one quantitative something or other, ALL DONE, YES, THANK YOU LORD, leave me alone now.
OH SHIT IM TIRED. No song for you today, even though I have a good one.
